I have tons of journals scattered over the internet over the last decade. I feel like I could probably keep up with this kind of thing again. The problem is I lack motivation to update, and when I do, I feel like the things I want to write escape me before I get to the keys. So heregoes... for the hundred-somethin'th time.

I am in love. Truly, wholly, in love. It's something I've never experienced before. I don't think it's something you can recognize or distinguish until you experience it. Every day is beautiful and amazing, and when we talk about the future, I could actually see it. Of course a future has been discussed in my past relationships... but it's never felt realistic.

Whenever I really thought about spending my life with them I knew I never could. I could never have Robby's family as mine... I could never raise a child around drug addicts and dealers. Robby wasn't nearly as bad as I made him out to seem at the time. We were just simply young. He was my first boyfriend. No one should ever make their first relationship their last. We had oh so much to learn. We started dating when I was 13... some people can make that kind of thing work. We were not by any means, those people.

Martin... well... he was a disaster on his own. Mentally and occasionally physically abusive... and of course the whole cheating thing... Cheating is not something that can be forgiven. I tried. It hurt just as much a year later as it did the day I found out. It takes a lot to forgive someone for something like that... I couldn't do it. He didn't try hard enough to be forgiven. The relationship went back to the same suck it was before the indiscretion. What I saw the cheating as was going out of his way to hurt me. He had nothing to gain. He had planned to hang out with a girl (Ashlie Parks) who was married, with a one-year-old baby, for the purpose of sleeping with her. They went to a fucking motel. What is there to be gained from this? They had no desire to be together. It's not like he was lacking in affection... if anything he was withholding it from me, and yet willingly gave affection to someone else. That says to me that I meant absolutely nothing to him.

That stuff wasn't even the deal breaker. The deal breakers were the family and the religion things. His family was the number one priority... and I love mine. His entire life revolved around a family that he didn't even love. I could never throw my parents by the side to cater to someone else, they are all I have, and I am all they have. That's something special. And of course, there's the fact that he and his entire family are devout Catholics. As an atheist, that's a hard thing to get over.

I remember the one time I really truly thought about our future... It was August 2007, right after the cheating incident. I decided to stay with him, and he decided I was the best thing since sliced bread... for about a week. We were in the basement of Chris Oppenheim's house (my tattoo guy) and we were about to get matching tattoos. The second the needle hit his skin (he went first) my face felt hot... I went outside to get some fresh air and vomited. It hit me then and there that he was not the person I would allow myself to be with. Of course, he's a master manipulator, and I'm the master manipulated, and I stayed in the relationship for another year... and I got the tattoo. However, before getting it, I put thought in... waited a few weeks... and made it my own. That way if things didn't work out, it wouldn't be something I would regret. Now I have a beautiful, colorful, floral lower-back tattoo. Sure, it reminds me of him... but what it's really a reminder of is my weakness. How I let someone manipulate me, time and time again... and to never do that again. A reminder of how helpless I was and how I didn't think I could live without him. In a way it's a reminder of who I was, and to not let myself become that again.

Valentine's day last year Martin "proposed" to me. With a loose diamond. It was the sketchiest, most terrifying moment of my life. It was all wrong. The diamond wasn't even mounted. It just felt all wrong. He hadn't asked my parent's blessing/permission, and had asked me my honest opinion of what they'd say and I knew they would NEVER give their blessing on that sort of thing... not with him. The first words I said after he presented it to me? "You don't want to marry me. You don't even like me." I argued with him for almost an hour about how he didn't really like me, and just repeated everything he'd ever said to me. Things like, "I'm just in this relationship because you want me to be," "You're not smart, you're mediocre at best," "Your parents blow sunshine up your ass, guess what?! You're not so fucking great! Your entire life you've had people kissing your ass telling you how wonderful you are... NEWSFLASH! YOU'RE NOT!" I reminded him how terrified I was of him, and his anger. I never said yes. Yet somehow the diamond ended up in my jewelry box. Every time we fought after that he would threaten to take it away. Like I cared. He would accuse me of just wanting to resolve the argument so I wouldn't have to lose the diamond. I have never, not once, showed one ounce of materialism, in that relationship. I paid his way for everything, drove him everywhere, to and from jobs. Sure, maybe I felt like I had earned it... but I don't need it. I don't want it.

My past is painful to think about. Mostly because I was so blind. So stupid. Not because of the things I let happen to me, but because of how helpless I thought I was. Thinking I couldn't live without this person (this was the case in the relationship with Robby and the relationship with Martin). I made the mistake of forgetting who I was, and forgetting that I was more than capable of being an independent person, and that I have a great life, and a wonderful, supportive family. Because of this carelessness I almost missed the greatest opportunity, in my relationship with my best friend, Steven Shaw.

It's always been Steve, Josh and I... Stoshna.. It was always the three of us, but I had always felt like my friendships with each of them individually were very different. For some reason I never really talked to Steve about the serious things... at least not as in depth as I did with Josh. Looking back on it now, I guess it was because I didn't want him to see my flaws, and that his judgement would have hurt a lot more. Whenever I was happy or had good news, I'd call Steve first. Whenever I was hurt, and needed a shoulder to cry on, it was Josh. Very strange. Josh has seen me cry 2-3x more than Steve has. That probably sounds bad, like we lack that sort of connection, but that's not true. I feel like I can tell him anything, and I love that. But for some reason in the past, I was always worried about making myself look stupid in case there ever was a chance for us.

It's really funny when I think about all the times over the last few years when I had thought about a relationship with Steve. The thought had certainly popped into my mind many times, but never had the opportunity to act on it. One or both of us were always in relationships. But now, the timing finally worked itself out, and I'm so thrilled.

We've already been through over four years of a friendship, so we're already close, we know (nearly) everything about each other. It was just the emotional part that needed to develop, and quickly it did. I knew I loved him very early on. The amazing part? The feeling's mutual. He has said that the things that used to scare him don't scare him as much anymore... and you know.. now that I think about it. I feel exactly the same. When he said that to me I thought, "well, that stuff's not THAT scary." Oh, but it is. I had almost forgotten how I had reacted to the actuality of committing to Martin for "the rest of my life." When you realize you're making the biggest mistake of your life, the only real way to describe it is utter panic. For years I had thought about possibly being with Martin and it made me smile, but when it hit me that it might actually happen, I panicked. I couldn't do that to myself.

Where with Steve it's so different. Nothing he's said has made me panic... and there have been plenty of opportunities for panic. Like when a week into our relationship when he said he'd be a very happy guy if I was the last one for him... or New Year's night when we laid in his bed for hours talking hypothetically about all the big things... children, marriage, etc. And when I realized our visions of an ideal situation weren't so far off, it made me smile. And then there's last night, after I got home when I got a text from him saying "I hope to grow old with you some day" and I teared up. All of the important things we align on... religious beliefs (or lack thereof), politics, etc. We want the same things, and we don't want the same things. All the fundamentals are there.

Every moment is amazing. Even though a part of me regrets that it took us so long to get here, I'm very glad it did. I needed to go through the things I've been through to become the person I am. I'm much stronger now than I once was, and Steve gets the me I am proud of, the me that I am truly happy with. I've been through a lot of crap, that most people would rather not experience, but something great has come out of it... I can see how great he is and truly appreciate him. I would never take him for granted. Not for one moment. He completely has my trust and my love. I know he would never dream of hurting me the way I've been hurt before. He's the most trustworthy and wonderful person I have ever met. This is the best foundation for a healthy relationship... a long, and healthy friendship.

Do I expect us to spend the rest of our lives together? Of course not. Could I see it happening? Absolutely. What I know for sure is that this is the most fantastic relationship... it's what I've always dreamed of. I'm not letting that go easily. I want nothing more than to make him happy the way he makes me happy. This love is a wonderful thing.